Balance

I am struggling with the concept of balance. As I get older, when I crouch down to my son’s level to talk or hang out with him, I stand up and feel the entire world spinning and I wonder if I might pass out. It has been happening now since my son was born. Not sure what it means but I guess that’s a question for my doctor. But that’s just one type of balance that I struggle with.

I am a pianist and a vocalist or am I a vocalist and a pianist? I am constantly wondering what should come first. Why should it matter? I grew up as a pianist because I took formal lessons and I got a BMus in music with piano as my main instrument. I took a long break from playing the piano and now have returned with wonderful new enthusiasm. I came to NYC as a vocalist (with another BMus with voice as my main instrument) and most of my colleagues know me as a vocalist and my closest friends and most trusted musical colleagues know I do both. This whole explanation seems long winded but it is to show you the daily internal struggle I have of how I identify with myself. These days I am more obsessed with practicing the piano than singing yet I have to remind myself that I have a recording session for my upcoming release in three weeks which requires me to practice my craft as a vocalist as well. I don’t know how some musicians do it. Some are just so talented that they can concentrate on both instruments and maintain a high caliber at all times. I envy those folks. I also truly admire the person who can find that balance of career and parenting. This is the one I find hardest to figure out. You would think I would have some notion after three years but quote honestly, I am as clueless as I was when my son was born.

Working on a career is hard, period. Working on a musician’s career…even harder (in my opinion). Not only do you need to maintain your craft, you want to get better at it and then on top of that you should perform and do PR, marketing, teach etc. I found all of that challenging when I was single, and I then had way more time on my hands. Now with a family I wonder how anyone can do it. I consider it a blessing when I can practice one instrument for 30 minutes every day. Where does all the other stuff come in? Maybe it’s because some folks work super hard while they are single or with no family and create enough of a name that when it comes time to have a family, it isn’t as hard to gear back up. I love being a mom and wife and I love being a musician. Trying to do all of it seems to be the big mystery to me. I know there are lots of people with different types of careers that go through the same challenges and anyone out there with some great advice on this subject, I am all ears.

I wish I could find that happy balance with my life. I know what I want but I am not quite sure how to achieve it. Most of the time I am feeling in the dark. People have advised things like, practice early in the morning if you can (who wants to bloody well sing at 7am and who wants to hear that? Not me!) This really sounds like complaining and maybe it is a little but more than anything it is me admitting that I really have no idea what I’m doing and it’s ok to admit that. Wish I knew better though.